The Autumn Maiden
by fringebenefit
Summary: It is Publick Times in Williamsburg in the year 1779, and Felicity is chosen for character acting at the fair. Meanwhile, Ben's company is passing through the town for a day. A whole lot of teenage awkwardness ensues.


Felicity Merriman was dreaming. Something was holding her down, making it impossible to move. She was definitely in her bed; she felt her body pressing against the soft mattress and the linen sheets against her legs. She shifted slightly and inhaled, realizing that most of the pressure was on the lower half of her body. The next moment, the pressure seemed to concentrate, and moved within her. In an instant, her muscles contracted and then relaxed as pleasure rolled through her body.

Felicity snapped awake, feeling a flush rise in her face. This was new. What kind of a dream was this?

She shook her head slightly as if to physically remove the dream, and remembered what today was. She felt excitement rise in her chest as she pulled on a simple dress and pinned her hair under a mob cap, glancing at the mirror one last time before making her way down stairs.

Her mother and younger sister, Nan, were downstairs, finishing their breakfast. Her mother smiled at her. "Good morning my beauty! I thought you might like some extra sleep today. There's some coffee left, and some biscuits. You need to eat quickly if you want to be on time." She paused, and studied Felicity's face, "My daughter, you look flushed. Are you unwell?"

Felicity stammered, suddenly remembering her dream "Ah, no, I.. I am just excited."

"Lissie you are so lucky!" Sighed twelve year-old Nan. "French ladies are going to dress you, and fix your hair, and probably paint your face! It will be like one of Shakespeare's plays! Maybe I could be chosen next year?"

"Nan, you have to be at least fiftteen." Martha Merriman reminded them. "Be patient, practice your dancing, and your day will come. Lissie, eat something! You need to be on your way!"

Felicity poured herself a bit of coffee with milk, then drank it down quickly, feeling it warm her insides and clear the muddle from her head. She grabbed a biscuit and headed towards the door.

Her mother followed her. "Good luck today, my dear, we will be down to see you this afternoon. Be…" Martha paused, as if to consider her words "Be good. You know how to act favorably, but not scandalously. Remember to be proper."

"Mother! Of course!" Elizabeth will be with me." Felicity touched her mother's cheek. "Look for me!"

Felicity walked off towards town, which was lively. It was Publick Times, which meant an influx of travelers, displays, and the fair. There were games, plays at the theatre, and a grand fireworks display. There were people in costume. This year, Felicity and Elizabeth, along with two other girls were chosen to represent the Four Seasons. Felicity, with her red hair was to be the Autumn Maiden, which Elizabeth, with her honey colored hair was the Springtime Maiden.

Felicity noticed that things had a bit of a different feel to them. The new alliance with the French had brought an influx of dress, food, and French customs to the colonies. To prepare for her role, Felicity and the other girls had to learn some ballet dances. The sequences looked beautiful and easy when the visiting ballet mistress demonstrated them, but the steps were not intuitive, and made Felicity's legs ache.

Most importantly, Publick Times brought increased news of the war, which was now in its third year since the signing of the Declaration of Independence. The downside to the increased information was that it was difficult to tell what was true, and what was just a rumor.

Indeed, Felicity's younger brother, William, had come running home two days ago, babbling on about how Virginia's 9th company was to be coming through Williamsburg at Publick Times. She had looked up at the news. "Virginia's 9th? Is that not Ben's company? Father, is that true? There is a chance we might see Ben? "

"Could be!" Edward Merriman said "But also could be a rumor. I will ask around."

Ben had left to enlist in the army two years ago. By then, the pressure to build the ranks had increased, and service to the Continental Army was voluntary in name only. Felicity was worried about the overall lack of correspondence from Ben; she knew that paper was hard to come by, and he would for sure be writing to his family first. But, the Merrimans would receive the odd letter every three months or so. Ben's main complaint, not surprisingly, was the food, or lack thereof. Other things he mentioned were the long marches and cool nights. His company had not seen much fighting, but illnesses were common. Ben talked of being lucky in that aspect.

Felicity missed him terribly, and remembered that he only had a year of service until he was back in their lives. And perhaps, perhaps she would see him today….

She arrived at the theatre, which she would be meeting with costumers and hairdressers. Elizabeth was seated in one of the dressing rooms, holding a copy of the Gazette. Her hair was up in rollers. "Lissie!" She grinned excitedly "It's about time you arrived! I stopped by your house earlier and your mother said that you needed some extra sleep and you would be arriving later! I'm glad you made it. This is going to be so much fun!"

Felicity grinned at Elizabeth. Having been once a small, timid mouse, Elizabeth had turned into one of Williamsburg's most beautiful girls. She had long golden hair, large blue eyes, a tiny, pointed nose, and a heart-shaped mouth. Next to Elizabeth, Felicity felt like an awkward, tall giraffe, although she did occasionally get complements on her appearance from customers at her father's store. The comparisons to her mother were nice, as it was known that her mother had been, and still was a great beauty. And, Felicity reminded herself, she had won the role of the Autumn Maiden. Perhaps there was hope for her still.

A well-dressed lady breezed in. "This one, she sleeps late!" she said in a thick accent. "She knows the beauty rest is so important!"

Felicity curtsied. "Madame, I apologize for my lateness. I have the pleasure of being Miss Felicity Merriman" she must have said these words a thousand times.

"Zee Autumn Faerie!" Come here child. How pretty you are!" Put at ease, Felicity followed her into the next room. Over the next two hours, the woman and her two assistants curled, braided, and pinned Felicity's hair, then wove gold and silk leaves into the braids. Kohl liner was applied to her eyes, and rouge to her cheeks and mouth. Finally, despite her protests, the ladies had Felicity completely undress. She stood there, goosebumps prickling over her skin and crossed her arms, feeling more self-conscious than she had ever felt in her life. After what seemed like an eternity, she was fitted with a corset-like garment that pushed her breasts up and almost out. "Is…is this it?" She asked, looking at herself in the mirror. At some point over the previous year, her breasts had seemed to come in overnight. She had been pretty good at ignoring them, but right now they were obvious to her, and soon would be to the entire town. Mother would not be pleased.

"Silly goose!" The woman said, returning with a long, flowing garment. She wrapped it around Felicity, lacing it up the sides. A single ribbon tied the dress over her breasts. Her calves and ankles were exposed, as were her shoulders and upper back. She crossed her arms to over her cleavage.

"Mademoiselle! You are so beautiful! Are you shy? You must not be shy!" The lady poured a glass of wine and handed it to Felicity "Here, drink this."

Felicity raised the glass to her lips, the acrid smell hitting her nostrils. She had never tried wine before; grapes grown in the colonies were small and hard, and the resulting wine had a poor reputation. But, this was French wine. She took a sip. It was exactly as she imagined, rotting grapes. But, these grapes, prior to being rotted, must have been large and full of sugar. _Not bad_ , she thought, _not bad at all_.

The ladies were staring at her expectantly. "It is very good, thank you!"

"You must drink all of it. Up up up!"

Felicity tipped the glass back. The strong drink seemed to fill her chest, making her cough a bit. A second later, warmth spread through her body with ten times more intensity than coffee.

"Now look at you." The lady commanded, gesturing to the mirror.

Felicity stared at herself in the mirror. Her hair was half in elaborate braids, and half down, and curled. Little gold and silk leaves were woven through her hair, the autumn colors contrasting beautifully with her red tresses. Her green eyes were bright in contrast with the kohl lining, and the rouge accented her cheekbones, making it apparent that the baby fat she carried until recently was truly gone. Her lips were red and shiny, contrasting with the alabaster powder on her skin. The dress had looked shapeless and insufficient, but on her, it made her look like one of the Roman Goddesses she had seen in illustrated books.

Her head suddenly felt completely giddy. "Elizabeth?" she asked

"Come!" the lady said, and led her back into the first dressing room where Elizabeth sat, chatting with the two other girls. Samantha, the Summer Maiden, and Kirsten, the Winter Maiden.

"Lissie!" Squealed Elizabeth, "You are so pretty! Guess what? Annabelle came in briefly to bring me some breakfast, and she said that Ben was here! His company is on leave for two days!"

Felicity grinned, excitement rising in her chest. At that moment, Mr. Samuels, director of pageantry came in. He stopped and stared at their attire for a moment. "Ladies, you all look beautiful. Come along now. Here is how things will proceed. You will spend from now until two o'clock this afternoon walking between here and the courthouse, handing out fruits and sweets to everyone. Make sure you pay particular attention to the children. After that, you will join the musicians at the main stage, and dance like you have practiced. Later, you will join the public for the country dances. Now, stick together and do not let anyone over the age of eight touch you. And I think it goes without saying, do not touch anyone over the age of eight." He eyed Felicity as he said this. "And lastly, stay together. Remember that you are parts of a whole." He clapped his hands "You all look beautiful, it makes me proud to have decided on you. Smile, and have a good time!"

Felicity let herself be loaded down with baskets containing fruits, tarts, and candy. She waited for nervousness to wash over her, but it was only excitement. Was it the wine? Elizabeth gave her hand a squeeze, and they headed out.

The next two hours were a blur. Children rushed up to them with outstretched hands. Felicity smiled, and greeted, and pinched babies cheeks. She linked arms with the other girls and sang love songs, stepping in unison. At the same time, her mind was elsewhere. She knew that Ben was around, somewhere, she could not keep herself from keeping an eye out for him. Her brother, William, snuck up to her, and grabbed two tarts out of her basket, then pulled a leaf from her hair. "We saw Ben." He said nonchalantly. "He is here. I did not tell him that you are play-acting; I just said that you are handing out sweets to children."

Before Felicity had a chance to answer, Nan came up. "Lissie! Your dress!"

Felicity twirled "Do you like it? I feel like Titania, Queen of the Faeries!" Her mother walked up, and paused, looking her up and down. Finally she nodded. "Felicity, my daughter, you look absolutely beautiful. But please, remember to act proper. Tis easy to forget when you are play-acting." She beckoned for Nan; William had already run off to join his friends for the footraces. She smiled and turned, calling back "we will come watch you for the dancing."

The girls made their way back to the theatre to refresh their makeup and have a short rest; the day had gotten a little warm and the colors had run a little. Felicity was grateful that the dress was so light and airy. Afterwards, they stopped by the bakery to return their baskets. As they approached the door, two men walked out, carrying loaves of bread and cheese. They both stopped and stared at the girls, like people had been doing all day, but this time Felicity stared back.

It was Ben.

Felicity had heard horror stories about starvation, illness, and unbearable freezing conditions at camps. She knew that men who survived injury often needed amputation to avoid putrefaction of affected limbs. Going for so long between letters, she often feared the worst. But, Ben looked almost exactly the same. He wore a simple linen shirt open at the collar and cotton breeches. His hair was a bit longer, and he may have looked a little skinny, but Ben had always been skinny. She quickly glanced at his hands and was relieved to count all ten, as she knew men commonly lost fingers and toes to the cold.

"Ben!" She said happily, keeping herself from embracing him. "I am so happy to see you! What has it been? Two years? You look exactly the same!"

Confusion passed over Ben's face. "Felicity Merriman? Lissie? Is that you? You…you…" He looked Felicity up and down, eyeing her dress. Was it her imagination, or did his eyes linger for a moment on her breasts? He stared her in the eyes, and a big smile spread. He opened his mouth again. "You have flowers in your hair."

"They are just leaves." Felicity said happily. "Flowers do not bloom in autumn, and I am the Autumn Maiden."

"Right." Ben said, still smiling.

"Ben!" Elizabeth said "I am so happy you are here, but we must get back to work! Felicity, we must get ready for the dancing!" She winked at Ben, and grabbed Felicity's hand, leading her away.

"I will see you at the dance!" Called Felicity, taking delight at the sight of Ben, standing there, that dumbstruck smile on his face.

Cheered by her reunion with Ben, the rest of the afternoon was the most fun that Felicity had in her recent memory. Felicity danced the ballet sequences that the girls had been taught with more ease than she thought capable, then substituted in reels and line dances with the crowd, matching the lively sounds of the violin, flute, and drums. Through it all, she felt the eyes of men on her. She had felt this before, when customers would stare at her a little too attentively, smiling odd smiles that made her feel uncomfortable and embarrassed. But this time, she reveled in it. She was not Felicity Merriman, she was the Autumn Maiden. She was beautiful, untouchable, desirable. She stepped and clapped and spun, looking over at Elizabeth, and seeing that she was most likely feeling the same way. She glanced around for Ben, and saw him with what Felicity assumed were members of his company, just in time to see one of the men gesture towards her, then give Ben a playful shove.

As the afternoon changed to evening and the girls were officially off duty, they made their way back to the theatre to change. "Was this not the most fun you have ever had?" Elizabeth asked. "It is going to be difficult, waking up tomorrow just Elizabeth Cole."

"Aye" Felicity agreed. "I changed my mind about the dress. It is so comfortable, I wish women could dress like this all the time."

Elizabeth cut in "Look! It's Ben and Annabelle! Let's go say hello!" They bid Samantha and Kirsten farewell, and said they would be along shortly.

Annabelle turned to see them approaching, and looked annoyed. This did not surprise Felicity. But, she did not know what to think about Annabelle. It was a given that Annabelle was an unapologetic snob, but she and Felicity had reached some unspoken understanding. Felicity was surprised to learn that Annabelle was an avid reader, and they regularly swapped books. Right now, Annabelle had Felicity's copy of _Gulliver's Travels_ , while Felicity was reading Annabelle's copy of _Don Quixote_. But at the same time, Annabelle could go from discussing the internal struggles and possible subconscious motivations of one character, to insulting Felicity's dress, or manner, or anything, really. Was Annabelle a friend or an enemy? Felicity had no idea.

Ben grinned widely. "Maidens! Over here!" He waved both arms. As Felicity drew closer, she saw that he looked almost relieved to no longer be alone with Annabelle. Still, he was polite. "Annabelle here has been filling me in on the most recent gossip in town. Is it true, Felicity, that men come to the store just to see you?" He still wore a grin, but there was something unspoken in his eyes. It may have been two years past, but Felicity could always tell when Ben was thinking something over.

"Well, maybe." Felicity admitted, flushing a little. "It is likely they are just looking for Elizabeth, since she visits me so often."

"Well now I expect you will get many more visitors after today, don't you think?" Annabelle raised her chin as if to look down on Felicity, "I'm still surprised that Mama let Elizabeth do this silly play acting. I know your mother and father would be fine with it, after all, you are just advertising for your father's store, are you not? Perhaps these men will come in and ask for you to sing and dance for them! And why not? The whole town saw you laughing and teasing the men! Perhaps you have found your true purpose in life!"

Felicity stared at Annabelle, the implications of her accusations sinking in. Annabelle could be nasty, but this was a whole different level. Was she showing off for Ben? Or just angry about her own circumstances? Annabelle had broken off two courtships this year for reasons she did not readily disclose. Felicity secretly cheered Annabelle for refusing to settle for men of, how did she put it? Weak character? But she knew that at nineteen, her situation was getting desperate. Did she still hold a candle for Ben? She glanced at Ben, who looked surprised at Annabelle's outburst, and perhaps a little sad. "Annabelle…" He started.

Elizabeth spoke up. "Annabelle, stop. It was play acting. We all had a great time. And now we are just Elizabeth Cole and Felicity Merriman."

Annabelle retorted "Yes, you will go back to being Bitsy Cole, but what about our Miss Merriman here? I won't be surprised to see her pinning her skirt up one day to show that she is in the trade!"

Felicity had learned to either tune out Annabelle's snippiness or offer a retort of her own, but there had never been a moment that she had been so insulted. She wanted to scream, burst into tears, launch herself at Annabelle like she had seen ladies do to one another outside the tavern. She wanted to make Annabelle as angry as she was feeling at this moment.

There was only one way to do it. She locked eyes with Ben, took two steps forward to meet him, and pressed her lips against his. It was not difficult; Ben was tall, but Felicity had shot up several more inches in the past few years, making her just a few inches shorter than him.

If Felicity started the kiss, it was Ben who finished it. After a recoiling slightly at the surprise, Ben relaxed and put his hand on Felicity's back, then parted his lips slightly against hers and closed them again. He tasted wonderful, like rock candy and something spicy, was it rum? She knew the soldiers commonly drank it. Felicity noticed that her eyes were closed, and she was embracing him, when did that happen? All she was feeling was Ben's lips, his hands caressing her back and her hair. He tilted his head slightly and the sensation that she had in the morning revisited her, as pleasure rolled through her body.

And then it was over, the two of them breaking apart to stare incredulously at each other.

The realization of what she had done was washing over Felicity as she saw that Ben's mouth was smeared with rouge. She turned to the Cole sisters. Elizabeth stood there, her mouth in an O shape. Annabelle, on the other hand was visibly shaking, tears in her eyes. She sputtered "You….you…tart! You prostitute!" She took a few steps back, a tear escaping and running down her cheek. She turned and positively sprinted away, years of gentlewoman training forgotten.

Ben coughed, then found his voice. "Lissie, your mother and father have invited me for dinner tonight. You ladies need to go get cleaned up at the theatre; would you like me to accompany you? Elizabeth, I daresay that your sister will probably not be returning to see you home."

"Okay," squeaked Felicity, suddenly feeling like she wanted the Earth to swallow her up. She stood there, still stunned until Elizabeth grabbed her hand and dragged her in the direction of the theatre.

"Go on Ben, we will manage fine on our own." Elizabeth said, dragging Felicity along. Felicity stared at Elizabeth, surprised that her friend could talk and behave so normally. Did she not see what had just happened?

They walked along in silence for a few moments, then Elizabeth spoke, "Lissie…"

Felicity burst out "I'm ruined! She is going to tell everyone! Mother will lock me in my room…why did I do that? I've only proved her to be correct!" She fought back tears and lost, letting out a sob.

Elizabeth reassured her "No, she will not tell anyone. She is humiliated. She thinks she is the prettiest girl in Williamsburg and has her pick of men, but the one she wants is likely taken. She will not be the one to admit it. Trust me Lissie, she won't tell. And honestly, I think she does deep down care for you. She won't see you ruined. But whatever odd friendship you two may have had, I daresay that it's over."

"Uh-huh" was all Felicity could manage though the lump in her throat.

"Take a deep breath Lissie. It's okay. Men and women kiss each other all the time. You did nothing grievous." She grinned "Perhaps I am a bit jealous of you. That looked so nice, and I never noticed it before, but I understand Annabelle now. Ben is very handsome." Felicity looked at Elizabeth. Despite her reassurances, Felicity could see in Elizabeth's eyes how seriously wrongheaded she thought this was.

"Ben!" Lissie cried out. "He will think that everything Annabelle said was true! That I enjoy the attention of male customers, that I have just become some tart! This is awful, awful!"

Elizabeth paused at this conundrum, then spoke slowly, "well, I suppose if Ben asks you about the kiss, just tell him that you wanted to make Annabelle angry."

Felicity considered this. This was true, wasn't it? It did not seem like a nice thing to use Ben in such a manner, but what was the alternative?

The two girls arrived at the theatre, and went into separate rooms to get cleaned up. The ladies were not in; she had the room to herself. Felicity looked at herself in the mirror. She had kohl-accented tear streaks on her cheeks, and the rouge on her mouth was smeared. She really did look like a fallen woman, like the ones kicked out of the tavern for bawdy behavior. She wiped as much of the paint as she could off of her face, and roughly peeled off the too-revealing dress, taking comfort in her normal clothes. Her typically bothersome stockings had never felt so comfortable, and she pulled on her too-big shoes. As for her hair, mother would have to help her remove the silk leaves, which would be near impossible to detangle on her own. She practically slammed her mob cap onto her head, tears forming in her eyes again. Overcome, she knelt down on the floor and cried. How was she going to face Ben?

Elizabeth came running, fully dressed and cleaned up, save for the flower garland in her hair. "Lissie, let's go home. It's been a long day, and you are tired. Just talk to Ben. He is your good friend and you two know and understand each other so well. Isn't that what you have been telling me all of these years? Come now." She helped Felicity up, and they left the theatre and walked silently, ignoring the continued merriment around them. This was the final day or Publick Times, and there would be a fireworks display later. Felicity never once missed it, but now all she wanted to do was hide in her bedroom, and never come out. She trudged on.

Dinner was probably the most awkward hour of Felicity's life. Mother, Rose, and Nan had prepared a stew with beef and vegetables, then there was a fruit pie for dessert. William kept asking Ben for stories about the war, but Ben seemed to be more keen on hearing about Williamsburg life. Felicity forced herself to behave as nothing was wrong, so that Mother and Father did not catch on that something terrible had happened. Still, everyone's voices sounded muffled over the dull roar in her ears, and the food tasted like ash in her mouth. She forced herself to smile and laugh when everyone else was laughing, and to take another bite of her portions that never seemed to diminish.

All the while, the little voice in her head screamed at her, how stupid, foolish, and wrongheaded she was. Was Annabelle right? She had enjoyed everyone looking at her as she danced on stage, and later in the crowd. Would she start to enjoy customers flirting? Was she destined to be a loose woman? She often overheard jokes about red headed girls, and how they could not help themselves. Perhaps it was all true. Maybe that is why Mr. Samuels had stared at her when he warned the girls not to touch anyone. He knew what she was. She could feel Ben starting at her at that moment, and forced herself to look up and smile.

As it turns out, everyone was staring at her. "Ah, come again?" Felicity said, feeling heat rise up her cheeks.

"Felicity, we were just asking you what your favorite part of today was." Father repeated, his eyebrow raising at her confusion. William snickered.

Felicity suddenly had mental flashes of Ben's hand on her back, his lips on hers, the taste of his mouth. She shook her head slightly to get rid of them, and replied with as much enthusiasm as she could and chirped "the ballet dancing! It was so difficult to learn, but I think we all did fine!" She took a large bite of bread to avoid answering any more questions.

"You looked simply beautiful. I am so proud of you, my daughter. But I wish those dresses had not been so revealing! I had to convince myself that you were simply play-acting." Mother had pride in her voice.

Felicity couldn't take it anymore. She stood up. "I must go to bed, it has been a long day and I am tired." She forced herself to make eye contact with Ben for the first time since they had departed the park. She gave a quick nod, not wanting to read the expression on his face, and fled up the stairs. There, not wanting to think anymore, she pulled out Annabelle's copy of _Don Quixote_ , and forced herself to read. The book was admittedly a bit of a slog, although this most recent part, with Don Quixote confusing the peasant heroine Kitri with his love, Dulcinea, was quite amusing, albeit a little confusing. _That is what was going on, right_? Felicity understood for the first time how men and women could be so foolish to one another when it came to love.

Some hours later, after everyone had gone to bed, Felicity crept back out of her bedroom, down the stairs, and out of the house. There was no way she could sleep. She typically would visit Penny in the evening, although she had missed it tonight due to her self-imposed time out. She opened the stable door. "Penny, my girl, I'm so sorry I did not visit you earlier." She then froze, realizing there was a lit lantern in the stable, and a human underneath it.

"Ben!" she exclaimed, startled.

He stared at her for a good 5 seconds, then spoke. "You know, when I went to rejoin my camp after speaking with you and the Cole sisters, I had rouge smeared on my mouth. The other lads guessed exactly what had happened. They will remind me of it every single day for the rest of the war."

He did not look angry, but Felicity still had to force herself to speak. "It's not true, Ben. What Annabelle said. None of that is true. I suppose that men do come and make comments to me at the store, but I hate it. You have to believe me, please!" She felt a lump in her throat, but swallowed it back.

"Lissie, I believe you. You needn't worry about that. I remember how Annabelle is. Have you spoken with your father about these men?"

"No! He might make me stop working in the store! Please don't, Ben, I asked Marcus not to tell either! I want to yell at them and throw things, but they are customers and it would not be good for business, so I have to smile and stay polite."

"Okay, okay, I see your point." Ben said. He frowned "I wish I still worked at the store with you. I would see that it stops."

They sat in silence for a moment, watching Patriot sleep.

Ben spoke up. "Felicity, did you expect that you wouldn't see me here? You know my company leaves early in the morning, so I probably would not have seen you, nor you seen me for a long time, or," He paused, "if ever again."

Felicity suddenly felt very ashamed, on top of sad and embarrassed. Was it possible to feel all of these things at once? "I guess I did not think about it. I just had to leave the dinner table."

"What were you thinking about?" Ben leaned forward.

Was he just playing daft? This was torture. Felicity gave in. "The kiss."

Ben tilted his head. He opened his mouth to say something, thought better, then closed it. A moment later, he spoke up. "Why did you do it?" He looked at her, his eyes soft in the lantern light.

Felicity looked down at her lap. "I just…I wanted to make Annabelle angry. I wasn't thinking straight." She bit her lip and made to point to look at Ben, as to convince him.

Ben leaned back, the soft look in his eyes gone. "Oh. Well, it worked. You are a clever girl." He said that last part with a hint of bitterness.

Now that it was out in the open, Felicity felt bolder. "What about you? You kissed me back. Why did you decide to kiss me back?"

Ben thought for a moment. "Felicity, I am not having a good time these days. War is boring, and in the small moments where it is not boring, it is instead terrifying. And it is always freezing cold. Even in summer, somehow it is still freezing cold. There is only rotten food, if any at all, men get injured and sick and die around me. I don't know when I'll be finished fighting, my enlistment seems to get longer as the weeks go by. I don't know if I'll see my family again, and some days I wake up, and I wonder if this will be the last sunrise I see." He paused, "so, I have to take these small moments of joy whenever I can. The day at the fair, the dinner with your family, and," he paused again. "…when the Autumn Maiden with the flowers in her hair wants to kiss me, I will not hesitate to kiss her back."

Felicity's stomach felt heavy. He wasn't kissing her, he was kissing the flighty Autumn Maiden. "They were not flowers, just leaves. Flowers do not bloom in autumn." She said dully.

"Right." Ben said, solemn.

Felicity decided that she was done with this conversation, and this day. She stood up. "I'm going to sleep. I wish you to stay safe, and I look forward to the day that you come back to finish your apprenticeship. She said, and stiffly walked toward the door.

Ben softened. "Lissie, wait. Before you go….may I…may I write to you?"

"Really?" Felicity asked, the disappointment lifting slightly from her, "Yes, please! I would love to get letters from you. You can tell me anything!"

"Okay, I will write to you." Ben said, smiling slightly "Now I must get back to my fellow soldiers, before they accuse me of deserting. I said that I would be returning hours ago." He walked over and embraced her, then walked out the door into the night.

Felicity watched him leave, then walked back to the house, up the stairs and to her room. Her head was a mix of emotions. She still felt embarrassed over the kiss, ashamed for how she justified it, and sad about almost letting Ben leave without saying goodbye. But, she felt a glimmer of happiness at how Ben embraced her, and how he promised to write to her. As she passed by the vanity in her room, she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. And suddenly, she realized she didn't recognize the face that she saw. She saw her bright green eyes, high cheekbones with slight dimples, and full lips. She was indeed pretty. But, it was best not to think about it. She made a promise to herself that she would be careful, proper, and good. She changed into her nightdress, laid down, and closed her eyes, thankfully falling asleep in the span of a few minutes.

Some months later, Ben was still awake in his tent. The nights had cooled considerably, and he felt it, inside and out. Today had been a little rough; the men had marched for miles. But, at least no one shot at them. His feet were raw and his back was sore, and as always, he was hungry. These days, he was trading as much food as he could spare for paper and ink. The men knew what he was doing, and would wink at him. Ben finished his letter, and added it to the stack. These were all letters for Felicity. Ben knew that he was fulfilling his promise to write to her, but somehow, for some reason, he couldn't bring himself to send the letters. He supposed that if he were to die, they would somehow get to her. And that would have to be good enough.


End file.
